I desperately wish I could express my amazement at God’s faithfulness and grace. I am astounded. I almost feel shameful for feeling so anxious and worried upon coming here. I was so hesitant to trust the Lord in this (what seemed to me to be) such a ginormous leap of faith. But the Lord has blessed me abundantly! Everyday I am so thankful to be with this exact group of people who crave the words of our Father and strive to follow them with their lives. I am learning so much. From studying Ephesians, reading the book the Insider (and the other books on my summer reading list) and simply watching our group interact with each other and the community we live and work in. In this environment I find it hard to escape learning new things and for that I am so thankful!

I was feeling so anxious for my first day of work on Capitol Hill. I felt nauseous as I was walking into the door. Again the Lord took over and gave me such peace as a met everyone! Since Congressman Huelskamp is a freshman office, the office itself and the staff is pretty small, but everyone seems very nice. They all expressed feelings that they were more than happy to help us with any questions that we have. One of the interns has been there for two months already and is extremely kind and helpful to us. Other than that there is one other intern that starts at the same time as me. Turns out, she’s from Kansas and even goes to KU! (although we’re seen past our schools differences :). She is so sweet and we’ve had the opportunity to hang out with our team a few times!

This past Saturday we set out in the streets of D.C to ask people spiritual and political questions. I must admit I was very hesitant on this at first and quite honestly did not want to do it. I did not want to offend anyone or give people the wrong idea of Christianity by “peddling Jesus stuff”. However our leaders were very clear that we weren’t trying to sell anything or covert anyone. We just wanted to love the people so we went out in groups of three.
It felt so extremely out of my comfort zone. And again was feeling very anxious about it. We stopped and talked to a guy names Kevin who worked for the white house fixing A/C and things of the sort. He was a big, tall strong man, but one of very very few words. He seemed to have a very deep nature about, and wanted to talk with him more but we didn’t have the opportunity. We carried around a notebook and asked some people if they wanted to write a note to God, and have Him read it what would they want to say to Him. They had to be brutally honest and allow other to read it. Kevin began writing and when he finished, as he was walking away, we asked what we could be praying for him for. He turned around and his answer was surprising, honest, and huge. The world.
We looked at what he wrote in the journal
“God, let the powerful people be fair to all the people”

I was taken a back by his answers. My guess is that maybe, like most people, he’s been hurt by the powerful people of this nation. Who knows. But I like that Jesus does.

What I liked about using the notebook was that I just knew Jesus absolutely got giddy over reading the writings of those people. No doubt he took them deep into his heart, and I like to assume that he blessed, or answered the prayers of the people. Either way I know that they were so special with him, and he got absolutely ecstatic to hear from them. 

The Lord is certainly doing a great work in my heart this summer! I am overwhelmed every day by this opportunity and so thankful!

I would appreciate your prayers throughout this summer friends!

“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:25-26

Praise the Lord for this promise of new life in Him!

Well friends. I am finally settled in Washington, D.C in George Washington University for the summer. It will certainly take some getting used to, but it’s already starting to feel like home here. 

To be quite honest, I’m still a little in shock that I’m here. My internship hasn’t even started yet and I’m blown away by all that God has been teaching me. In the gentle and graceful way that he does.
I remember my dear friend Kelsey telling me about this program beginning of freshman year, and I knew it was something I wanted to do. But after last summer, it seemed impossible not to go back to the community and environment that had so quickly and naturally become my second home. It was there that the Lord was gracious enough to show me what being in a community of believers was about. Everything seemed purposeful and within God’s perfect timing. The staff was like any other. Quite literally. I could go on and on about my love for Youthfront Camp South and the people in it.
So when Ronni (Navigator Director) asked told me that this program had 2 more spots for girls open I was apprehensive. I kept wanting to ignore God’s urging to think and pray about how He can use my summer. 

And alas, now I am in Washington, D.C for the summer. I am here with 12 other interns and various staff from the Navigator ministry. We will spend the summer learning together what our identity in Christ is and how to identify with Him. All of us have the gracious priveledge of interning with a senator or congressman on Capitol Hill. Together we will be learning what it means to be and “insider” in the workforce, on a more relational basis.
I wish I could explain my level of anxiety before coming here. I was trading a summer full of comfort and leisure for one of the complete unknown and high-stress work environment. I am incredibly thankful our entire team had the opportunity to retreat into West Virgina for a few days to spend time getting to know one another. Day by day and even hour by hour, the Lord calms my anxious and worried heart as I get to know my teammates, and now the city. I still do not know entirely why the Lord wants me here, or what He has in store. But I do know that He has not thrown me to the wolves and has taken care of me so tenderly already.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand…For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”
-Isaiah 41:10&13 

I love that Jesus still does this for me. It’s the same yesterday/today as it was last year when I had the same experience.

It’s different today.
Yesterday I practically was gasping for air all day it seemed. I had to think to breathe. Deep breaths in and out. In and out. My lungs were never satisfied.

Today.
When I take those deep breathes they are filling. I breathe in Jesus and let him fill my soul. My lungs expand and there is peace.

This is the God that saves me. He even breathes for me.

“In this world you will have trials and sorrows. But take heart because I have overcome the world!”-Jesus

Over the past few days I’ve been reading and rereading the passage from Luke 7 about the sinful woman. I’m so fascinated by it. By NO means am I excellent on analyzing passages, but the more I read it the more real it became to me. I love to replay it over and over thinking about what actually happened that night.
This may seem silly but I can’t help but wonder how hard she was crying. In vs 38 she stands behind him and wets his feet with her tears. Was she sobbing hysterically, leaving the other guests feeling uncomfortable. Was she crying somewhat silently, allowing the guests to make conversation over the sound of weeping, but still making this slightly awkward. Who knows. I don’t know what sins she committed, apparently they were many. But whatever they were, my guess is, she knew how badly and desperately she needed Jesus. I think she knew he was the Messiah, the one that could save her from her life filled with loneliness, sadness and who knows what else. She wanted to thank him possibly, and this was the only way she knew how. Either way, she had to see him. 

But there’s one part in particular that’s my favorite. After Jesus tells Simon about the story of the man who forgave the debts, and the one who loved him more (the one who’s debt was larger). “He turns toward the woman and says to Simon, ‘Do you see this woman.’” He looks at the woman, who knows if she’s looked up from his feet yet, but he looks at her, and continues speaking to Simon. For some reason that gets me every time. And then he says “Do you see her?” I would guess that from the moment she walked into the room, no one gave her the time of day besides Jesus. He forces Simon and possibly the rest of the table to look at the sinful woman.

When he goes on to explain more about her, I’d like to think he’s still looking at her, pulls her up, locks eyes with her, and wipes away her tears like a Father does for his daughter. And even though he acknowledges that her sins are many (something she already knew) he says her sins are forgiven because she has loved much. The Messiah, the Savior of the world tells this sinful woman, who other people have rejected, that because she has loved much, she is free from her sin.
I can only imagine the joy her heart must have felt as she looked into his eyes are heard him say that.

Everything about Jesus fascinates me. How I long to live and love like he did!

The older I get, and the more I grow with the Lord, the more I realize how personal Jesus is. It’s one of my favorite things about him. How he can look this woman in the eye and tell her she is free. How he can snuggle with me at night when I’m lonely.

This is the Christ I love.

He must become more, I must become less.

I like it when the Lord teaches me good things through good sermons..

We are given names at birth and sadly along the way we are called by a vast amount of  other names, and our middle name becomes “the one who…” Ashley the one who got kicked off the team. Ashley the one who dated that guy. Ashley the one who’s just okay at everything.

In Donald Miller’s book Searching for God Knows what (which I reeeeally should read) he says that we, as humans were specifically created to have something outside of ourselves tell us who we are, to in a way, take the power that comes with naming things and tell us who it is that we are. Because of the fall the One who was intended to speak that truth to us, to claim that power of naming us, we can’t hear that and instead there is this vacuum in our lives that sucks up all those other names and that is too often what we call ourselves. And we spend most of our lives trying to live up to or live down to the names that we have be given by others or even ourselves.

BUT

then Jesus shows up. And he hasn’t really done much at this point expect be born and build stuff and then he gets baptized. The heavens open and the Creator of the universe takes that power to name Jesus and says “This is my Son..the one that I love..with whom I am well pleased”.  And when Satan tries to mess with that and tells him to live up to all the things he is suppose to be he says whatever. Because he knows what his identity is and where it comes from. It is, the One who the Lord loves. And that’s how he starts his ministry by defining himself solely, as the One who the Lord loves.

And then later, Jesus says to his disciples, and us for that matter, “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me.” Meaning there is only one name that I, Jesus call you by and that is, the one whom I love. “NOW REMAIN IN IT”. Jesus says the only name that the Lord has ever called us by it The one whom I love.

He calls us this before we were given standards and goals to live up to, and after those names that we try to live down. It’s still the same. The one that I love. That is the name that I don’t have to live up to, or live down, it’s the name that I live INTO. It is the name that we get to live out every single day.

My name is: The one who the Lord loves. 

I feel so absolutely homesick right now. I want to be at home snuggling with my mommy, talking with my little brother, watching a movie and laughing at silly things.
Or my other home, the one at Youthfront Camp South. My heart longs and aches for that community of grace, of vulnerability. Genuineness. Where there was time to simply live. And live simply. When schedules and planners weren’t my constant companion. Where the day was centered on set hours of prayers. And people’s heart always meant more than schedules and to-do lists. 

I find myself so anxious these days, over what I’m not even entirely sure. It’s interfering with my sleeping, my strange eating.My body constantly aches because my muscles have been nothing but tense for two months. My mind is never blank, something I seek desperately.
It’s just such a strange place I am in right now. The Lord pushes through my stubbornness, stupidity and selfishness and shows me grace, patience, a never ending flow of love, every single day. For me it’s very overwhelming, and to be frank, I have absolutely no clue what to do with it.
Even with these gracious gifts day after day, I find myself with a heavy heart that never seems to lighten. The Lord is revealing much needed truths in my life, and for this I am undoubtedly grateful. I guess now I just don’t feel strong enough to face these truths, and to be perfectly honest I want to run.

I am exhausted. Jesus Savior, pilot me.

is something i seek a lot of these days. Rest for my body. Rest for my soul. Rest for my heart. Rest for my mind.
Comfort I also seek.
I seek it in friends
in reading
in music
and not near enough from the Lord.
Last semester I sought so much comfort from the Lord I literally slept and snuggled with my Bible every single night.
How I long for the physical presence of my Jesus!

There are so many thoughts in my head right now I can barely spew a word out.

I miss my camp friend dearly. I miss the camp life. I pray daily that the Lord is doing good work in there lives and keeping them safe. I do not like not knowing about their lives. They are my family. And I feel like I take for granted their friendship the Lord has so graciously blessed me with. I love that they all are unique. I love that they all love Jesus. I love that they love Jesus in their unique way. Their lives are truly a beautiful thing to witness.

I had this foolish thought the other day. That I wish I had someone to tell every single silly thing to. Things that didn’t matter, things that made me happy, things that upset me, things I hope for. And I realized not soon enough that I already have that. I know my Jesus wants to hear my prayers and wishes and hurts, but it’s the little stuff that doesn’t quiet matter “enough” that I have trouble with Does Jesus really care that I get really excited over a new tub of toothpaste?
I find myself humble by the thought that he just might care THAT much about me.
It’s overwhelming. In the most incredible yet terrifying way.

Praise Him that His mercies begin anew each morning!

“Jesus I wish I could snuggle with you right now!”

“Beloved I snuggle with you every night. I give you hugs when you need them. Hold you when you cry. Hold your hand when you’re scared.
Beloved daughter of mine I am ALWAYS with you.”
-Jesus

Some days my heart feels so heavy. I don’t like it.
But I feel so blessed when the Lord gives me peace and quite simply, reminds me of His overwhelming presence.

My outer self may be wasting away but I am so unbelievably blessed and Jesus is renewing me every. single. day. Sometimes hourly even.

I saw one of my good friends from high school on campus the other day. I haven’t talked to him a whole lot since senior year so it was good to catch up with him. And for some reason, I don’t know why but the thought came to mind that I had know clue what he used to know me as. And by that I mean that the Lord has transformed me and my heart so much over the past year, I am beginning to forget the person I once was. That is before I let Christ work in my life in ways He was been wanting to.
I can’t explain how freeing it is. To forget (or rather not remember as much) the person that I was. The person who felt empty, depressed and sought love in all the wrong places.

I may be forgetting a little bit who I was, or more so forget the feelings that I had as that person, but I am fully confident of the change that has happened within me.
And the beautiful part is that I have done nothing. The Lord has worked at me patiently. Relentlessly, but not uninvited. Continuously, but not tirelessly. Simply lovingly.

PRAISE THE LORD FOR THIS FREEDOM I HAVE FOUND IN HIM!